Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
