Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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