Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
