Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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