i think my mom watched the whole time
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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