Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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