well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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