I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
