I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
