I was born with a shot glass in my hand
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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