I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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