Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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