I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
