Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
