what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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