Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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