we have pet lesbian snakes
there's paper in my vomit.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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