Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
