He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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