Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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