as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
