Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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