I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
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I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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