I've blown a few things in my day
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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