I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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