I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
