I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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