sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
