p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
