Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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