and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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