The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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