I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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