Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
