if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
