And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
