Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
