remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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