he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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