pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize