Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
