I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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