I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
