wrigley field is MILF paradise
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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