I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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