I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
