I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
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I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
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This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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