you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize