dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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