i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize