Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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