Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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