Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
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