i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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