Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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