i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That accounts for only three of the penises
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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